It is so hard finding a job and health coverage lately. So please, elect me to something. I like the public health care I will get, at your expense, as your elected whatever, as well as the paycheck, kickbacks, bribes, and other amenities. I really don’t care which party I’m in. Democratic, Republican, Conservative, Liberal, Libertarian, Communist, Socialist (including National Socialist), whatever, are all OK, as long it is the most dominant in the area. I need a job.
There are no skeletons in the closet of any importance. The flesh has long rotted off of them. That is where I left idealism, ethics, honesty, character, conscience, intelligence, and all of those other qualities that kept me from being a successful member of the elected. Please ignore that I used to have those qualities. Elect me, I need a job.
I am for sale to any and all interests. I will strive hard to pass any and all legislation my bribers hand me. I am in the business of making what should be illegal…legal. I am in the market for a public relations group to make me look like I care at all for you, the voters. I would like to call you my constituency; but you aren’t. You are my votes. I don’t care how I get you, as long as I do.
I would eventually like to be a senator or congressman of whatever state I can be. If I can’t get elected, then I would like to be appointed. I like the life-time benefits. However, I would like things to be like they were. If, or when, I go to jail, I would like to keep my pension and health care, just like Duke Cunningham, William Jefferson, and so many other of my colleagues. I think I would like living on taxpayer money as well as the money of those I prostitute myself for.
Also, I would like my wife, as well as the rest of the family, to benefit. I would like them in positions that make them, as well as me, money. I will work make my owners rich, and their deeds, legal. I will push any bill they pay me to pass. I will say anything they want me to say. As for you, the voters…nothing but lip service.
Even if I go to jail, I still want my book deal, my talk show, my speaking engagements, and my executive board positions.
Voters, ignore everything I said so far. I just make stuff up anyway, even if it’s self-contradictory. Bottom line…elect me, I need a job.
